I’m reading Nora Ephron’s Heartburn, a novel about her divorce back in 1980’s and I ended up browsing in the internet about her and her books. Then I stumble upon this website, it’s Huffington Post Divorce section. They have some interesting articles about after divorce life and I thought maybe I want to share my own story.
Divorce is a little doomsday for me. It was financially, socially, and mentally shattering. I’ve been together with my ex husband for a total 10 years before we divorce. I never see this coming. I thought he was the love of my life. It struck us so fast that when we finally divorced, maybe we still didn’t know what hit us.
Now after almost 2 years divorced, I can look back and see what’s been happening after the divorce.
Living alone was totally not my plan. We build a house together and of course plan things with the house, but the plan was not happening. It’s me and me alone in the house. I keep all his belongings. I keep his wedding ring, his razor blade, his screwdrivers, his towel, his magazines, I kept everything he left at the house, I didn’t touch it for months. I don’t know. Maybe deep inside I want to feel his presence all around me so I won’t feel alone. Then one day, my mom got fed up and bring big boxes, throw everything there, and put it away.
My mom also call the handyman to finished my kitchen. The kitchen was left undone because I was very lazy to deal with it. It was my dream kitchen where I plan to cook new recipes for my husband. It’s the best part of the house. And when our relationship scattered, my kitchen dream is also vanished with it. Thank God, with the help of mom, I manage to finished the kitchen and it looks nice now. It’s some sort of marking my moving on period.
My moving on period then officially started with me reading a lot of books about love and relationship (how to make a man love you in 30 seconds kind of book), mind you, being alone again after 10 years of relationship can make you really really insecure. How’s the situation in today’s market?? I must learn fast to keep up!! :)) And it’s very hard to buy those kind of books. Because sometimes you felt the cashier guy was judging you for the selection of books you’re going to pay. So sometimes, to buy one nasty title book on relationships, I need to buy another 4 regular books to get the cashier distracted and maybe somehow think I’m not buying the book for me, but for my friend.
Anyway. There are things you just realized missing after divorce. Something like: where you’re gonna send your ‘boarding now babe’ message before flight (finally I send it to my parents, minus the ‘babe’), how to open those hard-to-open-sometimes Pulpy Orange’s bottle in the middle of the night, nobody’s there to upgrade your iOS, something’s wrong with your PC or laptops or TV and you don’t know where to ask (it used to be magically fixed), the sounds of him sleeping, still feeling like buying coffees for him when I shop groceries (I don’t drink coffee), not to mention those mini heart attacks every time I found our old pictures together all over Facebook. Those little things.
I started to keep myself busy doing something that I like. So I don’t have time to think about the past. I went home tired from meetings and wake up rushing to office. I am blessed with the ability to sleep and eat in whatever situation. Despite that fact, I lose a lot of weight due to my heart misery that eating me from within. I lose 10 kgs and suddenly I can wear the cutest dress I always want to wear. So I start experimenting with fashion. With makeup as well. I travel more. Meeting new people thru organizations and companies that I build. Hang out with new friends. Grow on new level in spirituality. Then after a year, I can feel the transformation happening to me. Everybody admit that I look different. I even look like I had plastic surgery LOL. I didn’t know what’s happened, but I’m changed. I become the better me.
After reaching that level of quality and feeling I have generate more love to share, I started to think about having a new companion in my life. And I’m so serious about this I even make a list of what I want in my next love. The experience of meeting new men is totally enriching. I learned new personalities that not neccesarily the same with me. Learn to understand other people in their perspective. And learn to accept that since I’m no longer the old me, the quality of men that I met somehow shocking, in a good way :)) So I enjoyed the process. I’m grateful for the chance to continue on with my life.
Do I still friends with my ex? The answer is yes. Last month I contact him to ask, after years, what was happening back then in our marriage. This is the best time to ask and to learn from each other after emotion and anger has faded away. He’s still a kind of best friend I would have in life. He used to be a part of me and this can’t be change. I believe each people sent to us, carry different values and purposes in our life. For me and him, I believe each of our tasks in each other life has over and we need to be in other people’s life with a different purpose now. And we must let go, let life flows.
I believe we both are happy now with our new life. I have no regret, because I have done everything to save our marriage, and it was not working. And now my attitude toward life is this: I want to live in the moment and live it to the fullest.
So far, life has brought me delightful surprises and I can’t wait to unfold next gifts, God prepare for me.